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2005.07.28 11.21 We women fought just as hard as we blacks for equal rights how dare you as a black male try to undermine my rights and belittle me. |
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2005.07.12 16.14 Its been a while things have been things too much work too little rest. Lots of love. |
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2005.01.20 01.50 Well i guess it all started wiht that dream. that dream that made me realize that things are going to be bad really bad jsut like they were before becasue i am a masicistic creature of habit. Its started this next wave of deperssion. I mean my dude makes me happy but when hes not there things jsut hit me harder. So many little stupid things. |
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2004.09.24 10.10 Funny |
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2004.07.14 08.40 Them and Us This lack of distintion is wiht differentiates me. This inabliity to view them as "them" seperate but equiviliant. We will live on the world but not be apart of it not using it to the full for our treasures are not found here in this lifetime but in the future. Why not both? balance of course but why not using the world but not to the full and enjoying this lifetime wiht a since of imperminence. Socoiopolitically i understand this need for distinction but in individual instances i see it not being advisiable in pratice for me. Passing on this ungraspable "them and us" --------------------------------------- Addiction gives way to new addiction Lieing and cheating to get what i need. Selfish and greedy i crave more Unable to let go but still cravign more. Exacting exclusive devotion... Devoting exclusive deception Why do i need more. This time I was supposed to be clean this time i was supposed to be sober this time I was supposed to let go so that when i did indulge ide get a better high. But i cheated and now this ideal absolute will be tainted. |
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2004.05.18 11.26 So yesterday was just a bad day for the work part but after that things were cool. Phil meet me at the door while i was getting off of work. Twas quite happy to see him. We went for tea but it was certainly a coffee day. White chocolate mocca and great conversation as usual. He always makes me feel so much better. Then went to meeting was so hyper everything i said was at a rate of 10^2. it was funny. Conclusively discovered this Walmart does not have teh equate brand tynol pm. And only one bottle of 11$ name brand stuff, no tynol aquired. Oh, and once again failed in teh attempt to procure vegetarian friendly food in my little town, nay, city of Baker. I again optied to wait intill the next day. Dispite Phils attempted presuasion of food being my friend. Going to make a 4 layer chocolate and devils food cake today wiht wipped chocolate iceing. acutally i think i might make 2 cakes. one for home and one for friends. got to get more boxes of mix but i have everything else. I'll go to biglots on my way home. Moms still in that odd state where shes all childlike and happy. Im a bit weiry of when it leaves cause it is close to mid-year, but im happy at teh repreave at least im not being yelled at. Been working either job every day since last monday. im growing a bit tired but I dont work Sunday so i guess i'll get rest then. won the little selling stuff contest thingie. All mens shorts were 10$off for the weekend. The sales person who sold the most got a free item under 20$. SO i got this nice fishettie-spiderwebbie like shirt that I wasnt oging to pay 19$ for. Although i still have a bag of things to get when i get paid wiht gift stuffs in it. Next week i work school job monday-friday and HT Tues, Wed, Fri, and Sat. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A Oh and i love how she will ask me to watch her office so that nothing is stolen from it and such but she will leave teh door wide open lights on when she leaves out. No thats not saying please steal from me, no please! Looking foward to teh Art Walk wiht 110 artists' work within a few miles it will be alot of fun. got a flier from teh BR Art Gallery. After Derrick read part of his award winning short story at Perks poetry reading supported by Delta. At the gallery I walked the Labyrnth that they had created and looked at the new age inspiered art dealing with energies oras and chockras light immitions. I did learn recently tehre is a metal associated wiht each to the chockra points and that there are 20 lesser chockra points on teh body. Im supposed to be tought how to preform somehting called quantomtouch. Its something like Reeki healing but taken from a more scientific angle i believe. Friday after work i saw Ry. It was good to see him. Hes been kinda down though hope he feels better soon. then went to get Derrick when he was done wiht his exam casue we were to eat something somewhere wiht some friends of his. It took him longer than he expected to finish the test and there was an art show at Foster Gallery so when he was done. An absolutely wonderful show i had seen durring lunch. this girl Alison Frank absolutly spectacular work. Kind of a Alice and wonderland meets a the nightmare before chirstmas, tremendious attention to deatail I was quite impressed. So we came for teh formal reception. It started storming raining like sheets of torental tempetious rains and i thought i have to walk in this. i mean how often is it that you can do that. A great storm and you arent on your way to something doing. Well, i knwo its rare for me so I did and enjoied every moment of it and Ozan joined me after a bit that made it even better. Went to Atchas got a falafel sandwitch combo thats quickly becomming one of my favorite meals. Had it again yeserday. Went to dinner with Z this weekend that was fun we went to Thia Kitchen, will certainly be returning there. Then watched some cartoons, Family Guy, good stuff. WE, Finally changed my windshield wipers that have been breaking for a bit. But since its rained every day for a week they had seen the end of their days. Went to the movies with Jeremy. We were supposed to go when i got off work Sunday. But, he had to work later htan he thought. DIdnt get off work till around 10 we cought the 10:30 showing of Van Velsing. We wanted to see Troy but it was sold out. He was talking to some girl infront of teh book store until after 10:45 so i left the theater went to teh book store found him and the girl and invited her to come wiht us. when that was over stopped by Derricks for a bit. We are going to try to see Kill Bill 2 if its still in teh theater Thursday. Still havent gotten my hair done. grr diamond. and grr LSU for making them get out of those dorms durring the intersession. grrr her staying all teh way in NO. it will be done eventually i guess. this is my I hate this computer it wont get access to aim post. And Helana shoudl have been back quite a bit ago but i guess she will be back for her lunch break casue im going to lunch with Chad at 12:30. oh yeah i got a 3.0 this semester brininging my gpa down a bit but I will pick it up next semester hopfully. ok now to make out my ideal schedual. Completely disreguarding if its full currently or not. Painting Drawing Sculpture Fashion Design Philosophy all on tuesday and thrusday. can it be done...let us see. Painting: 1 0374 ART 1849 LAB 1 INTRO TO PAINTING 3.0 840-1130 M W 0203 FOSTER MAJORS ONLY SMITH E 8 8675 ART 1849 LAB 3 INTRO TO PAINTING 3.0 910-1200 T TH 0203 FOSTER MAJORS ONLY NORRIS J (F) 8439 ART 1849 LAB 2 INTRO TO PAINTING 3.0 1210-0300 T TH 0227 FOSTER MAJORS ONLY WILLIAMSON L 15 8676 ART 1849 LAB 4 INTRO TO PAINTING 3.0 310-0600 T TH 0203 FOSTER MAJORS ONLY HINES T Drawing: F) 0391 ART 2879 LAB 1 INTER DRAWING COMP 3.0 1210-0300 T TH 0211 FOSTER MAJORS ONLY CELENTANO (F) 0394 ART 2879 Sculpture: (F) 0390 ART 2761 LAB 1 INTERMED SCULPTURE 3-6 1210-0300 T TH MCCLAY M Human Ecology(fashion design): (F) 3451 HUEC 2037 1 APPAREL STRUCT & FIT 4.0 940-1130 M 0244 HUMAN ECOLOGY MAJORS ONLY RABALAIS P LAB 940-1130 W F 0244 HUMAN ECOLOGY RABALAIS P (F) 3452 HUEC 2037 2 APPAREL STRUCT & FIT 4.0 910-1000 T TH 0244 HUMAN ECOLOGY MAJORS ONLY BOURGEOIS E LAB 1010-1200 T TH 0244 HUMAN ECOLOGY BOURGEOIS E umm yeah so thats cool. enough for now. and im done ranting |
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2004.05.15 08.35 I am so sick of being yelled at daily. So i didnt come home at 9 but i did call and let you know the change of plans. then you yell at me becasue you wanted to do something at 9, BUT you didnt tell me about it and im supposed to be psychic enough to jsut know that. Then you yell at me although when i was talking to you on teh phone there was noting to even suggest this. I HATE LIVING HERE. If i was a bad person if i did all kinds of aweful things and gave my rents something to worry about that woudl be different. but i dont why am i treated like i do. I want to tell them about Derrick, but its jsut not the time. Theres way too much free-grab agression in teh air. They wont take it properly they will jsut take the agression and feed into it nothing will be acomplished nothitng resolved. It will end as Chirs did adn im scared of that. Im afraid they will make me chose. I hate lieing. seems like everything i say is a lie a coverup a making of all things secret. I like to believe myself an honest person in general but this is jsut bad. Mood:  aggravated
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2004.05.14 00.19 So today in teh storming rain. Instead of me staying where i am on campus safe and sound. My father demands me drive all teh way back to Baker in teh storm so because he wants me to be at home. Thats the last freakin time im doing that!!! Do you have any idea how dangerious that was and will be for me to go right back for work in teh morning! it makes NO since for me to wrisk my life so that he can feel a bit better that his baby is in the house at night. Screw you! No im not going to be wrisking my health my life my wellbeing for absolutely nothing. I mean ide wrather be alive and him mad at me than dead! Oh and what really pissed me off is that when i finally get back home hes sleep! I mean if its so important that im home then at least be awake when i get here. If only until i get here. And dont take your personal issues out on me and mom. If your pissed off its not our fault. If you cant focus your frustration on where it needs to be then maybe this isnt the position for you. Your unreasonableness and accusations impiled and otherwise are unncessary and casues nothing but more agression on both our parts. Living in this house is jsut pissing me off. I want noting more than to get out of here. To nolonger have to deal with this crap. im so tired of it! I realize others have it worse im certain that things are not so unbareable that i cannot function. But i am just unhappy in this. I see a way out. Im going to take it i have to... |
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2004.05.13 01.40 its jsut a rant you doing have to read it. I hate even the notion of being so held onto. I mean if everything i say every word out of my mouth is made to be defiant then how am i supposed to up a defience. You clame that everthing i say is anotehr reason for me to remain in this house exactly where i am then waht am i supposed to do. I am not intrested in staying home all day in my room talking to others online when im longing to be with them or at least away from here. How dependent do you want me to be? I refuse to be 30 and still in my parents house. I dispise it here. i dispise to restriction teh conformation, the tethering that goes on here. these emotional strings that are played at your whim are tiresome and i am jsut so frustraited that i need my distance. I even know that untimately most that is said is not ment and that the chemical imbalance is to blame for these assertions in this case but its still not OK. its still not something i am fine with. I dont ask for anything from you. And when i do its brought up time and time again. And if my future roomate does do whatever she wants in the house wiht whomever she has over it will be her buisness not mine jsut like it will be my buisness what i do. Im not her mother shes not mine its not my fault she has a boyfriend and it should make a difference. And these assumptions of wrongdoings on my part, for my misgivings i am not sorry, as much as i prolly shoud be im not. But for accusations of things i am not guilty of are jsut frustraitingly anoying. I dont give you trouble i stay in my room make decent grades work 2 jobs and try TRY to have a social life. Sorry for being human i know how much of an inconvience that seems to be for you. All who truly know me know me. know that i wouldnt do the things my own parents assume im doing. its freakin reduculous. I mean why even try?! I want to jsut say. Shes sick and i should understand where shes comming form. And that i sound like a whinning brat but i need sometype of outlet i need to get out of this house i need some distance. its too much i feel so responsable for everything and i shouldnt feel this way. I want to have a dual existance without being so two faced. And i dont ask anymore to do things. I figure why shoudl i. I mean big out of state later than 1 deals i can understand a need for a consultation but other than that i dont see the point. Especally not when teh answer is always no or its a fight to acomplish the same thing taht if i jsut tell you about is not an issue. im thinking path of least reisitance im thinking most strategic methodology. Why be impraticle. Well anyway, I finished my final final today. So i end up wiht a 3.0 this semester not too bad. it should have been higher tho. Well thats what next semesters for. Still have to make out my schedual. think i will write out the perfect schedual and some alternatives then sit in teh classes till they let me in. that seems to be most affective. ha. prolly a bit under a 3.2 cumulative so far. thats got to be fixed. so yeah. My little cousin had her graduation dinner tonight which started a bit after my final did. when i got out i was going to visit her but i called and let a message instead. it didnt make since since they were already closed. So Ozan and I, after much deliberation went to Louies. Louies if great and all but after so many times in a week you just start wanting more variety. I left it up to Derrick since the only other place i could think of was Yangzee but im goign there wiht Russell tomorrow after his final. So i get a mushroom, spinich, cheese omlette. good stuff. he ges the #3 breakfast special Leah waits on us its cool. Foods great as usual. Go back to Derrick's for a bit hang out. Hear about the crazy night i missed last night with all teh insanity in teh air. Then i make it home and its a bit later than it should be maybe 30min or less and i get yelled at. I even called to let them know i was on my way when i was. Im always introubel for something. If your in a crappy mood the entire house must be. And the time that i stayed home casue i didnt want you to be home alone and that i didnt go out Sunday like i had planed even broke planes with a friend who I haddnt spent time wiht in a while jsut becasue you said i hadnt been home enough or spent time wiht you. When the day ended up consisting of me staying in my room talking to people in places that i wished i was and you in your room sleep. I was also home all day today doing the exact same thing even attempted to make an effort to have some sort of interaction and was asked to leave the room thats fine. You can chose to have selective memory for the negative things if you want. You can dismiss my efforts and then fault me for not trying. Im getting out of here for my sanity for my stability for jsut the sake of not being so far away from work and school and such i have got to get out of here. Still waiting to be blinked out of existance. Mood: aggravated
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2004.05.06 13.18 I feel quite bad today. NOt sure what is exactly up but im lightheaded lathargic and i lost half an hour. I did fall asleep last night but maybe i need more rest. Ide love to be sleep right now but Ive got this test i havent studied for in Psyc then i have finals next week Tuesday and Wednesday. It just hasnt been a good day at all. I dont know. blah |
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2004.04.16 08.23 So my friend Shaun is moving to the Buddist Monistary in Novis Scotta. So now i need to get him a going away gift. Were quite proud of him and im gald he was drawn to this. The only problem is that i have no clue what to get him. I mean what do you get a guy moving to a buddist monistary. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know. and his party i tomorrow. |
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2004.04.06 09.13 Got the job!!! one step closer to financial independence.Woot! |
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2004.04.05 01.44 With you Just a week can seem like forever. Minutes go by like hours and hours like seconds. odd. |
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2004.04.01 07.08 events adn goings on of teh day Ide like to convey my distaste for this new brighter livejournal page thing. Ide really appreciate it if they would keep the stuff but deffinently change the colors this white background wiht all teh blues are not my idea of condusice wiht DJ. thank you. But anyway, Im quite happy now. My energy is higher and my positive thoughs are manifesting. I am again quite happy by my own accord and with the presence and assistance of another. Interview at Hot Topic today. Hope that goes well, Nessa will be intewviewing me.Ha so that should go ok. And my dads so sweet although ineed the money and all he doesnt want me to work. Althought thats more of a financial strain on him its not worth me putting it off on him when i can very well work a bit mroe on my down time. And if it does manifest that i cannot handely school adn 2 jobs then i will take necessary actions. If i do work there i will prolly start working next weekend or next week some time. Well things are good for now hope that doesnt change. But we will take what comes because things happen for a reason and things work out in the end. |
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2004.03.22 22.24 umm never make these kinds of posts never make these kinds of posts but i hardly ever make pulbic posts either so i guess a frivelous one every now and then wont kill anything. Slept late, Still jsut my dad in the house its kinda nice especally when hes sleep or at work casue its almost like i have the house to myself like i did the other day. Man i need to move out of here. I can afford it with a roomate or at least i should be able to when i finally get this other job. Just getting the roomate is the hard part since they have to meet the requrements my parents have inforced. And i forsee some rainie days when having my rents on them for cell phone and health and car insurance anyway. Not to make it seem like im using them but ide hate to burn bridges especally with people who mean so much to me. And i knwo that they have my best intrest at heart like they always do. Too bad teh kind of person they'de like me to move in wiht i generally cant stand. Its not an unknown fact taht i generally dislike females i hardly get along with any and if i do its in a certain capacity like they are an mild to relatively close associate or one of my "kids" and the like maybe 2 or 3 who have really made to to friend status. She'de prolly be teh religious type and as religious as a am i cant stand peopel who egnore the world becasue they have there nose in teh bible. I mean we are alive now lets ecknowledge teh world we live in. Not necessarly take whatever we can of it but at least LIVE in it. you know. She better not start condeming me for whatever i have a mother i dont need some chick trying to tell me what to do with MY life, suggestions are fine pointers and obeservations are apprciated expecally if/when i ask for it but there must be a some happy medium there. But then maybe im goign about this in teh wrong mind set. I have to have premote more positive energy to light this situation. Who knows maybe the right person will come along and we will get along swimmingly. It will happen if its is to happen at its own pace, jsut have to not try and rush it. Things pan out as they will and as they should. Didnt do anythign i was supposed to do this weekend so i kinda stuck close to home. Hung out a bit watched a movie had great conversation. Didnt really go out well minus goth night friday, that was fun. Havent been feeling completely myself lately. Not sure whats up with that. Anyway, missed the 1st class need to make that up. Went to casting class worked on teh wax somemore broke off all my sprues accidently but ide wrather that happen now than durring the pour. Guess i'll fix that tomorrow. Gotta study for that Pysch test Thursday and Erica i promise to write out your notes before i go to sleep today casue i will procrastinate it into oblivian if i dont. Got sushi today, much joiness. It was quite nice. Although i came in with a bad mood casue of that chick in line got an attitued with me in Hobby Lobby. I really could have hurt her, you know when you jsut get in one of those moods and Im thinking please jsut tap me brush against me or something so that i can let all this pent up agression, frustration, and anger out on her, stupid unsispecting peice of crap. All the while sizing her up thinking i could take her fantisizing about all teh ways to make that face more swollen and bloody thinking how much damage ide inflict if i ran her head into teh counter wondering how ecactly ide have to punch to break her nose without killing her, how many kicks i could get in before it was time to run, wondering how i would get away with this without getting arrested casue i dont need this on my record. But yeah, it ended up only being a verbal confrontation oh well... I really have a rough time trying to convence people im really not that violent when im really not i jsut get agressive thoughs every so often. So yeah, dinner was great. I love being invited out for sushi. Meet Rys friend Mike too he was quite liek the rest of us makeing this a fun but kind quite dinner, where are the talkers when you need them hehe. Oh yeah, Sorry about that Mike Im truly am not that violent you jsut happen to catch me at an intresting point. Was late for meeting as usual but gave great insite in informaiton that i hadnt done any studying in ahead of time. I guess I am jsut so familiar with the material its like second nature to wow them with big words placed maticulously in sentences innerspurced with common knowledge to make sure i dont lose my audiance. Its almost like theater how best to say what they already know in teh most impressive way possiable wihtout completely talking over there heads. I dont know its quite interesting though. Ide advise everyone to at least visit once to each meeting. Who knows you might like/learn somehting. (forgive me for the shameless plug im compelled, its in my blood) home now procrastinating this studying thing and the homework thing. Although i said it 2 hours ago i'll get to it... then other stuff. blah blah blah more Chris stuff, blah blah blah more people stuff, blah blah blah mroe Him stuff, blah blah blah even more more stuff. blah blah blah emotional crap blah blah. Thinking of becomming a vegetarian. Was advised by Adam to try eating like a vegetarian before becomming one. And to take this vitiman something or another I'll write it down when i start. Debating weither or not to include fish stuffs like my favorite food is sushi and im not seeing turning down an offer for it ever. I mean im not doing it for any other reason other than i think it might be good for me. If there were some if there were some ethical delema then ide have more conviction in it but i think fish stuffs are ok at htis point anyway. Want to start this week. In fact i'll start tomorrow. Weeks trial run. Kinda goes with my them of persuing more trancendental thoughs. Seeking enlightment through nature taking in things around you to afirm and understand your place this this world. I mean i already know i have a purpose and know what it is but that dosnet have to be the only thing i acomplish before i die. Cant wait for invader Zim to come out on dvd. Placed a bid on a corset hope i get its really cheap on www.gothauctions.com . been looking for one for a long time and you can tell by the low bid that its not a good quality one but at least i'll have something till i get a better one. Another job would be ideal right about now. But i hear that alot. trying to see if i should hold out for teh corpert comercialized subcluture drone store or teh crappy plastic over priced prep clone store in teh mall or both. Or should i apply at Kinkos with my brothers. I mean i know that the work is gruling and working wiht people is always a joy but it would be steady and it is good hours prolly jsut 5-11am friday and 3-10 saturday. Ids still have sunday and my nights and the pays not bad. and well im jsut not sure what to do in this but i'll figure it out. Darn didnt meet the minium bid requirement so no dice. Maybe next time. Wow this is really a long post of not really terably important stuff. I rarely ever read anones post thats this long and wont be surpried if noone reads this one, liek i said i wouldn't. Just rambelling and procrasting long nothing rant. there should be tea. and granola. Mood:  discontent
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2004.03.16 09.24 I release all disapointement from my mental physical spiritual and emotional body. I can nolonger have due expectation in people, i jsut leave myself open for disapointment. But i guess its my fault for expecting anything from anyone. I should know better. I marvel in how much time i have seemingly waisted in this. Not surprisingly, I get nothing but exhaustion and ungratefulness for my toils. But its alright I dont mind... I release all disapointment from my mental physical spiritual and emotional body. Mood:  calm
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2004.03.12 11.16 Oops... So, i had to go back and check the names i sent the files under bacuase around mid way i stopped typing BADM (buisness college) and started typing BDSM (bondage dominace sadism masicism). If anyone would have cought on i would have been getting some funny looks...lol as if i dont always anyway...But i fixed it. Mood:  amusedMusic: humm of computerie deathnesses seeping murderous radiation |
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2004.03.03 02.32 spinning wheels Its just not fair. like dude life is jsut not fair. I Do everything im supposed to do. i handel my responsabilites and even some that arent even mine. I work go to school take care of my mom and teh house as well as possiable and i still need a sccond job still not enough time to get everythign completed still struggeling with everything. Trying to find a balance. Still ahve to commute everyday and im jsut tired of it. im tired of everything. I want to get out of here i mean its not any one factor thats making me so restless but im jsut feeling that im workign and everything is futility. But complaining is pointless. Jsut got to deal and move on. Who knows what teh future will bring. Possiably holding out for a pipe dream of a trip im longing after. But it will be as it should be and in this due time. Everything happens for a reason adn it all works out in the end. After the first every step has a precurser prepairing you for the next one. Well let me get some sleep Mood: frustratedMusic: Tool - Hush |
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2004.02.22 12.38 So i sit sullin reaching out for something that is jsut beyond my grasp. Somehting of substance and jsut this idealic beauty taht i cannot atain. This isnt enough, my peitous efforts have come up short and wanting. Losing intrests in things i once lived on. Finding distance where there need be none. Feeling behind me only to find noone there. Thinking Wanting more than was given and then withdrawing. Alomst thinkging i have made it, alomst thinking that this was enough. i have reached not contentment but a minimum i could accept then that was even taken away. Wanting more, always seeking that that is not presented to me. I need a vessel for great outpouring but, In not the capicity i already have before me or have had. A vessel of another sort but it hides from me. Could i atribute so much to such a menial emotions. Mood:  depressed
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2004.02.22 11.27
 in my eyes i see you as mysterious and strange alot of people wish they could know you better and you are probably an artist? i really wish there were more people like you out there..i really do. (rate?) in my eyes you are...(pics and different outcomes) brought to you by Quizilla
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2004.02.16 04.00 helarious hyper depression So, at what point am i actually worth it? Music: distillers - I Understand (1:46) |
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2004.02.13 00.48 You are the most worshipped godess in all of Egypt. You are a great protector, a mother type. People appeal to you for guidance and direction. You fight for what you love, and rarely take no for an answer. You are Isis. Which Ancient Egyptian Diety are you? brought to you by Quizilla Surprising No? |
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2004.02.07 15.22 WEll Crap The car gods givith and the car gods takithaway....Good chance rents new car will not be here for much longer. Ah well, stuff happens. |
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2004.01.31 17.41 God is really among you. -1 Corinthans 14:25 To every existing thing God wills some good. Hence, since to love anything is nothing else than to will good to that thing, it is manifest that God loves everythign that exists. -Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theological God is love. -1 John 4:8 |
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2004.01.29 22.04 Ha If that was what being in love is then remind me to avoid that crap at all costs. |
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